A Month Of Letting Go

Ever had a feeling you’re holding on to something that is weighing down on you, but you just can’t let it go? Intellectually you know it’s not good for you, but you hold on to it anyway?

That’s certainly been my experience, with people and things. I got better about letting go when it comes to people, but somehow it’s been incredibly hard when it comes to things. I was not raised to throw things away. Ever. Not when there are hungry children in Africa, not when there are people going without. Those thoughts stem from childhood and I realize how silly they are, but they are still very much a part of me and it’s hard to let them go.

I found out I was holding on to things for completely absurd reasons, yet I just could not let go. It’s taking me some time and patience with myself, a lot of forgiveness, yes, forgiveness. I have to forgive myself for the silly choices I’ve made, thank whatever the thing I’m letting go of and just sit with the discomfort, with the inadequacy.

And it hasn’t been just about letting go, but also about being very deliberate about what I bring into my life. I know I’m only a month into the year of more, but boy has it been whooping my ass. I made an agreement with myself to not shop for a year and I have every intention in the world of keeping my word (and have so far), but it has been anything but easy. I guess nothing that’s worthwhile ever is.

A lot of times I have to catch myself in the act and just stop. Whenever I unconsciously have something in my online cart (seriously, how did it get there? Diid I just blackout?) and am about to hit “buy” I have to stop. I have to stop and breathe. Instead of clicking the “buy button”, I have to sit with my own anxiety. ‘Cause that’s all that is, at least for me. And it’s been a humbling experience.

I’ve been learning a lot about letting go. Of things, of people, of old habits. I’m learning to be kind and patient with myself and deliberate with what I surround myself with. Sometimes it’s hard to loose our grip on things, on habits and ideas, but it’s in the moment of letting go that we experience our biggest moments of freedom.